I did something this morning, I changed my blog layout. They need some cooler ones to pick from.

Well this week and weekend has been pretty good. Saturday night I made hundred dollars for 4 hours. Yes, I just love watching the rich peoples kids. Then yesterday was kindda dull, but I did get to see Barbara, Knopp, and Natalie. That was nice. Today, Well today I don't know what I'm doing. I know I have to finish this homework stuff but I have no idea how long that will take. But I know I finished that extremely pointless science fair project. That was a waste of my time.

I wonder what I can do with this blogger. Maybe I can add pictures?! Well, i'm not too sure so I'm gonna find out. Peace home pickle slices.

So...
So, I've was thinking, yes thinking is definitely a bad thing for me. And so I was thinking about stuff, and me! And then I realized, "Wow, I'm kind of mean." Yeah I realized that I say some hurtful things, and even though I say them in a joking manner, no one should have to put up with that kind of verbal assault. Yes, and then I was thinking about spring. Yes, I know I'm random. But spring, we really don't have a spring in Maryland, and if we do someone needs to inform me. But anyways, spring is like the time for flowers, and happiness, and that other lovey dovey stuff. But the idea of spring is kind nice, I just wish it weren't so darn hot around here. Then, I was thinking about friendship. Friends are great, especially when you can actually talk to them, or see them, or carry a conversation. I miss having a best friends, or close friends. It has occurred to me that I'm just not as close to people as I used to be, and I miss that so very much. But yeah, I will be sure to try and be closer. I was also thinking about this job thing, cause I really don't want to work. And gas, well its really expensive so there's no point in paying $2.11 for gas when you only make $6.50. So I don't know what I'm gonna do about that summer job thing. Wow, summer is great. I love it, cause you can hang out with people, and go on vacation, and there's no school. Yes, I really love summer. Today I watched some Veggie Tales... Yes I'm just that cool, and I realized "Wow I miss church" and the feeling that I get when I go. No, not the "Its Sunday and I wanna sleep", the "Oh, I feel extremely religious, and there is a reason for me to be here." Yeah, I really miss that. But today was good, besides the fact that I took a unneeded nap. But I hung out w/ a person... and they stayed at my house longer than two mins once again. Yeah, is to wrong to be this happy, I have no clue. Well I'm headed to bed so I can get up early tomorrow and do this science fair stuff, or maybe I'll do it in class. I'm not too sure. XoXo

Yes, I tried so update date this crappy journal thing earlier this week but my computer is dumb. Yes, so everything has been good since last weekend. I had prom, that was a blast. I did the school thing, which went by extremely slow. I hung out w/ Chris and Sarah... I saw some.Shrek 2 on Wednesday (it was funny)! Then,toay well I'm at my dad's. I just made him go out, cuz I drank the milk and it was sour... prolly because it was from May 1st ( yeah thats really gross) Plus I have a phobia of expired food... especially milk. So my stomach is burning... thats not too good, but whatever. Has anything exciting happened lately?-- Well no, not really. Oh, today I got an application, I'm really dreading the work thing, because I'm a very lazy person. Yup, so thats whats new in the the wonderful world of me.

Wow, have I mentioned that I absolutely hate emotions. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... I'm sad, angry, well I'm pretty much depressed, and I don't know why. I realized that I feel the way I did at the beginning of the year when I wasn't happy with anything! Like when I was cheering, that's exactly what I feel like, yeah and its definitely not a good way to feel. I hated the beginning of the year because I felt like this, and I hate right now cause I feel like this (and I don't know how to explain this feeling) Yeah, I was having a good day... and then I started to think. I'm not happy with any thing, not myself or anything that is happening around me. I hate when I feel like this cause then I get these stupid thoughts, stuff I really shouldn't be thinking about. Yeah well life's a bitch and hopefully I feel better, I'll let time run it's course.

So I've been thinking a lot in the last 2 hours. And the more I think the worse I feel, I just wanna cry. I don't know why I feel so emotional or retarded like, but whatever. I've been thinking about how a lie affects one person, even a small fib. I don't know, I guess I feel sorry for anyone I've ever lied to, cause I know that is sucks. I realized its hard for me to trust people just because of what happened a year ago. When you can't trust your on family member it hard to trust everyone else. That's the reason I've kept a lot in this year, and prolly why I feel bad a lot of the time. Maybe if I had better mental health I'd feel healthier all the time. And now I feel like I can't confide in people again, but I'm not sure... I'm just retarded (It doesn't matter what I say I guess cause no one reads this). I wanna be able to talk about how I feel, but its so hard for even me to figure out what I feel. I keep things inside so much that when one little thing sets me off I can't grab a single emotion and focus on it. Lately I've been angry at my family, and I don't know why. I shouldn't have so much hatred and pain for people that care about me, but I do. And then I've been overwhelmed, I feel like I can't organize jack and so I push myself further away from what I need to do. Once I push away all my "work" I feel stressed because I know it has to get done eventually. Then, I keep telling myself and everyone else thay I'm so happy, but I don't think I am. Yes, I'm happy with all the things that I have been blessed with... but I have deeper feelings, feeling that I keep trying to cover. Even when I'm "happy" I wanna cry, but I hold back the tears because I'm ashamed to cry infront of people. I wish things were easier, like feelings and stuff where easier to express. The person that I always used to cry infront of, I can no longer trust (Plus they don't seem to understand me anymore). The person that I want to cry infront of, I don't think I'm ready for them to see my tears. The people I wish I could cry infront feel so far away. Then theres the person I don't wanna cry infront of, and that would be me. I feel bad when I cry, I feel like I don't deserve to cry. I feel like my tears are fake and have no value. I feel like I wanna get help but I can't because then I realize that there are people that need more help than I do. I feel selfish when I cry, like the world has to focus on me. But I just wanna cry. When I'm sitting in a seat listening to music I wanna cry. When I lay in bed before I sleep I wanna cry. When I think about my past I wanna cry. When I feel alone I wanna cry. When I'm sitting in class I wanna cry.When I can't tell how I really feel I wanna cry. And right now I wanna cry, but I can't because I'm ashamed. I'm scared that if I let my tears out I'll let myself out andI don't wanna feel vulnerable. I don't wanna get hurt, I don't know. Right now I feel like I'm being selfish because I'm talking about myself, but when I write I feel like I'm letting go. I'm letting go of my emotional stress, I'm freeing myself of the chains I used to restrict myself, I feel like I have accomplished something. Well I would sit here and write all night but I do have school tomorrow. So I think I'm going to take what I have learned from writing about myself and help me to open up... maybe I need a good cry. I need to let myself go, maybe I need to talk to someone, but right now I have to get through to myself so I can figure out whats wrong. Well I'm off... God Bless.

It's Thursday, and I'm counting down...

2 hrs till my family comes back home.
1 day till
school is over
I go to the dentsit ( fun)
I go to dinner w/ Chris and Sarah
I see Rezi again, and all my friends of course
2 days till Main Street
3 days till Mother's day (Darn it i have to get a gift)
4 days till Monday ( eww that means its school )

Then sometime during next week I have Prom or something like that... yeah I'll have a blast cuz I'm in the 10th grade (lol). Well I wish I had the same assembly that the Reservoir people had b/c i want to hear stuff that will affect me like it did yall... I seems like it was a life changing thing. Well instead this dude came and basically told me how I lack life goals. Ya, screw that! So, I'm off

It's been a while.
Yes, so this week (including the weekend) has been pretty good.

Wednesday- I had school and then I chilled w/ a chipmunk... Your less chipmunky these days.

Thursday- Well, I had school and homework ( I think) Huh, I'm not to sure.

Friday- I had a blast. I got my hair "trimmed" and went to the mall w/ a couple of cool cats. I bought some stuff, and stayed the night at Barbara's with some more cool cats, who I miss more than you can picture. Oh, and I got to see some really white people rap like crap.

Saturday- Well I chilled with Topher. Yeah we are losers cuz we did what we always do, watched movies, and drove around. We did get some ice cream, it was good and there was a lot but it made me sick. And then we went back to his house and watched another movie (Big Daddy encase anyone cares)

Today- Well today, today I woke up at 11:33 after having an excellent dream. So, I did my homework and then I showered. Topher picked me up and we dropped stuff off at the library, went to the closed florist, I ate at subway, we chilled at the park ( I loved the colors), we drove around, I showed him where my aunt lived, we stopped at Khols, and then played some put put. Then, it was back to his house where we watch some Family Guy... I think I'm addicted. I ate some dinner, and came home. So now I'm here talking about what I did all week, and no one cares... but yeah. So I'm off to bed cuz I have school tomorrow, YAY!!!